#51 The Phase Out

Maybe we've only been seeing someone for two weeks, or maybe it's already been two months with multiple sleepovers.  But there comes a day during a dating life cycle when we are more excited at the prospect of doing laundry than we are about an impending date.  What do we do when we realize that we're just not that into him?  Easy.  We initiate the phase out.

Let's say we're on our way home from work and we call the guy we're seeing. We tell him a funny anecdote that he doesn't laugh at.  Instead, he responds with "Can I call you back later?" He calls us back MUCH later - like, two days later. And by the tone in his voice we can tell that he's just not that into us.  Anymore. Gulp. Is he beginning a phase out?

How does the phase out operate?

Those once flirty text messages no longer occur.  In fact, the winky emoticons from him are now obnoxious.  What used to be cute well-thought answers have become terse or vague, one-word replies.  Sometimes you don't even bother to respond.  Phone calls are now infrequent.  You never schedule time for each other on the weekends anymore, and dates have been relegated to weeknights - usually Mondays or Tuesdays.  Yikes.  Eventually, you just stop seeing or hearing from each other all together.  At this point, the phase out is complete.

Truthfully, the phase out may not be the most efficient method to end things with someone.  It could be a long, drawn-out and anticlimactic process, much like the Battle of Alamo.  Regardless of who sets up the phase out or whether it is a mutual procedure, one thing is for certain: single girls sure as hell prefer this to, ugh, The Talk. 

Let's face it, NOBODY likes The Talk - it's awkward and patronizing.  A complete lose-lose situation, The Talk only makes both parties feel completely shitty.  And since you haven't even made it close to boyfriend/girlfriend status yet, is it even necessary? 

Single girls like to dodge The Talk at all costs because we're people-pleasers.  We hate confrontation.  It's why single girls have never been president and why we get paid less than boys.  Rather than be assholes and dump a guy with an emotionally-gripping quasi-break up speech, we much prefer the quiet yet effective ninja moves of the phase out. 

In turn, guys can avoid being jerks/assholes and spare us the humiliation of another cliche'd "it's not you, it's me" monologue.  Stop returning our text messages or phone calls.  Don't invite us over for a movie and sex wine.  We've read AND seen (unfortunately) He's Just Not That Into You.  We get it.  Now gradually phase us out so we can start phasing someone else in.  (If we haven't already.)

#46 The Plan

When single girls say we like plans, we don't mean marital plans, career plans or baby-making plans.  Oh, God, no.  Who does that?  This is why we're still single.  When we say we like plans, we're talking about something a little more immediate.

Let's say a single girl has "plans" with a dude for Sunday evening.  She doesn't know if they're having dinner and drinks or just drinks, let alone what time they are meeting.  At around four o'clock in the afternoon when she hasn't heard from him all day, she takes it upon herself to ask him what time they will be seeing each other.  He texts back that he's on a hike and won't be ready for a few hours.  Three and a half hours later, she is STARVING, heats up a Lean Pocket and eats it over the sink.  Mid-bite she gets a call from the dude.  He seems disappointed that she's already having dinner (sorta) and won't be ready to see him for an hour or so. 

Two hours later, she shows up at his apartment well after ten o'clock.  The dude is a little surly that she's so "late" and suggests they go bowling.  She balks as she's in heels (and refuses to borrow bowling shoes especially without socks) and suggests they stay in.  Wink.  He clearly doesn't get the hint, hurt that she didn't like his idea and petutantly responds that he has cabin fever (despite being on a "hike" for three hours) and was merely offering an alternative to the usual drinks at a bar.

They ended up having drinks at a bar and neither of them got laid that night.

Guys, don't be that guy!  Single girls like plans because we want to avoid situations like this.  We're not trying to be annoying, nagging or clingy by asking you what The PLAN is.  Hell, The Plan doesn't necessarily have to be champagne and caviar aboard some hot air ballon.  

On the contrary, we're just happy knowing that there is an agenda: WHAT, WHERE and WHEN.

What are we doing?  Are we golfing?  Ocean kayaking?  Watching a movie?  This helps us determine what we will be wearing. 

Where are we going?  A fancy night club?  A hole in the wall?  The beach?  Nowhere?  This also helps us determine what we will be wearing.  Specifically, shoes.  Don't make us be that girl who unwittingly wears stilettos somewhere with cobblestone streets.

When are we going?  Afternoon?  Evening?  Guess what?  This ALSO helps us determine what we will be wearing.  And if we know in advance what time we're meeting (and I'm not talking about an exact Jack Bauer time like 6:57 PST, 7:00 PST is fine), we can manage our schedule so we're (hopefully) not running late and making him wait in the car for ten minutes.

Nothing irritates a single girl more than being mal-dressed.  Sure, it's always better to be overdressed than underdressed, but we like to avoid those awkwards moments spent in 4" Choos and a mini-dress at the local dive bar unless we're doing it intentionally.  (I have a tendency of purposefully overdressing but nobody likes getting sawdust in her Choos.)

Looking our best and having the appropriate amount of time to do so is very important to a single girl especially when we're trying to impress a guy.  Shaving, waxing, buffing, polishing and plucking is ridiculously time consuming.

And here's a single girl confession: chances are, if we like a dude well enough, we want to get laid just as much as he does.  So when there's a Plan, not only do we have an idea of what to wear, we also know what NOT to wear...

So guys: Help us, help you!!

#33 Bed Frames

At times when single girls are nestled in our beds, visions of handcuffs and bed frames may dance in our heads...

Yes, certain bed frames can be extremely sexy, but this naughty thought is not the only reason why single girls have an affinity towards cast iron bed posts or hardwood headboards.

Firstly, as much as we like home field advantage, we understand that occassionally our schedule takes us on the road.  And when we are "traveling," we think of hotel rooms with Egyptian cotton sheets, big fluffy pillows, and a nice sturdy king-sized bed.

What single girl doesn't enjoy a good romp in a "big boy bed"? 

On the other hand, there are guys out there who have no concept of such a thing.  These are the guys with pseudo "beds": mattresses on the floor of their bedrooms, and worse, mismatched bed sheets.  If we're lucky, the mattress may be on a box spring on the floor.  The ultimate deal breaker?  A twin-sized mattress on the floor.  With mismatched bed sheets.  (I shudder to think that this actually exists.)

While some may argue that lacking a proper bed can be romantically associated with a Bohemian lifestyle, this is really more reminiscent of the boys we hooked up with in college who smoked pot all day and played video games all night.  (Or vice versa.)

Essentially, a "big boy bed" is what separates the varsity players from the junior varsity yahoos.  And single girls like varsity players.

To explain, something can be said about dudes who own furniture, specifically bed frames with matching sheet sets.  Bed frames are secure, and metaphorically speaking, it means the dude should be somewhat secure himself.  Financially, yes, of course.  But there is also a semblance of maturity, permanence, and stability to owning furniture. 

Those guys with the mattresses on the floor?  These are guys who can lead a nomadic existence and pick up and leave (us) whenever they want (after selling the mattress they probably bought on Craigslist back to someone else they find on Craigslist).  Strange bedfellows indeed.

So guys, you've made your bed.  Now you want us to lie in it?  Just remember that the best way to bed a woman is with an actual bed.

#28 Drunken Text Messages

As much as single girls like drunken Alaskan king crab, one thing we enjoy more is drunken text messages.  Drunken text messages are such a vital part of a single girl's existence, it is the sole reason why we upgraded to the unlimited text messaging service on our mobile phone plans. 

Before we continue discussing the merits of texting while intoxicated, I think we can all agree that the consumption of alcohol, a lot of it, generally exacerbates our mental state, causing most of us (boys and girls included) to be a bit more emotional than normal.  (Normal to mean "while sober" for those of us not suffering from alcoholism.) 

When you say or do something out of character whilst inebriated, some may argue that "you didn't mean it."  Don't act like you have no idea that I am referring to those slurred "I love yous" and other drunken declarations of your undying love.  I actually received a drunk marriage proposal once.  He definitely did not mean it.  Or did he?

You MAY argue that a drunken text is a moot one due to temporary mental impairment.  I disagree.  Despite your diminished capacity, the content of a drunken text should not be ignored, simply because if you were able to type out a somewhat articulate message on that tiny BlackBerry/iPhone keyboard with your large mitts, then you probably had SOME semblance of coherency. 

Is it any wonder that alcohol is often compared to a truth serum?  Thus, drunk words should really be considered as sober thoughts.

And that is why single girls like drunken text messages.

For the most part, single girls have just as many qualms as guys do expressing impressions and thoughts.  Thanks to modern technology and the repeal of prohibition, we can send guys a concise text message verbalizing exactly how we feel about them.  The best part is, texting generally takes up less than ten seconds of our time.

Notice how emotional stability is indirectly proportional to the amount of alcohol consumed:

After three vodka martinis, an angry text to an ex-boyfriend: "Hey asshole.  I want my stuff back."  After five vodka martinis, A VERY angry text to that OTHER ex-boyfriend who won't leave us alone: "F*ck off, loser.  Brian just told me you slept with that slutty WHALE.  Go to hell."

Immature?  Maybe.  Efficient?  No doubt. 

The frustrating part is that dating these jerks all started from sending drunken text messages in the first place.  It's like the dating equivalent of the circle of life! 

To elaborate, let's say that after a couple glasses of champagne, we are now brave enough to text back that cute boy we met at the gym or that other cute boy we met at Ralph's/Safeway.  (Alcohol makes us more clever and witty.  Clearly.)

What starts off with a seemingly innocuous drunken text, "Dinner Friday sounds great.  Looking forward to seeing you in something other than your sweaty gym clothes.  ;)" or "Dinner Friday sounds great.  Am I expecting your secret Hamburger Helper recipe to be on the menu?  ;)" may eventually turn into a short-lived but tumultuous "relationship" that ends with a slutty whale.

Ah, good times...

Single girls like reciprocity.  We enjoy SENDING drunken text messages just as much as we appreciate being on the RECEIVING end.  (In more ways than one, but here I mean texting.) 

A drunken text message from a guy generally means he wants to sleep with us.  We understand that he might just be looking for a late night booty call.  (This can happen if he's textually stimulating.)  And while some single girls may roll their eyes at receiving such, I don't know any single girls who are not secretly delighted to wake up Saturday morning having received drunken text messages from multiple guys between 2am and 4am.   
 
When your beer glass is up (and emptied), your emotional guard comes down.  Those drunken text messages?  What a clever excuse to express longing and desire for us!  Maybe this latent craving actually stems from real feelings.  Maybe he truly adores us.  Maybe, just maybe, he dreams about us.  We are flattered to know he us thinking and wondering about us, especially in his inebriated state.

Somewhere in Rome, John Keats is turning in his grave.  Has the drunken text message become the 21st century love letter?

#27 Missed Connections

Who knows how popular the "Personals" section is on Craigslist after the Boston Craigslist killings, but I do know that "Missed Connections" is still commonly used in the very birthplace of Craigslist: San Francisco.  Over 60 "missed connections" were posted yesterday alone in JUST the M4W section. 

Perhaps it's the minute size of this city coupled with its dense population, but it's no wonder that a quick, sideways glance can be miscontrued as a "missed connection" (or isn't it?) when you're crammed on BART or Muni with hundreds of strangers.

Not just for single girls or guys, I know a lot of you enjoy reading the "Personals" section purely as a form of entertainment.  (Especially since The Hills is on hiatus.)  In today's "Missed Connections," we have someone who "held the door open for you at Subway on Oak Road" and someone else looking for an "Asian girl with yellow flats."

Speaking of Asians, someone is also looking for "an Asian girl in Berkeley."  Doesn't that describe half of the female students there?  Maybe she is the same Asian girl with the yellow flats?  Then there is someone who is "truely missing you" who thinks "the sexual tention is too strong when we are around each other.  So the truth is I have [an] out of body experience around you."  I don't know what is more frightening: his "out of body experiences" or his spelling.

As much as we love looking at these "missed connections" for comedic value, single girls secretly hope that someday she could be the "cute girl on BART heading towards Fremont around 7:00 tonight" or the "cute brunette in striped shirt at Trader Joe's."  Or, since we're feeling the Asian persuasion, the "beautiful Asian woman crossing Golden Gate Avenue."

It all boils down to this: somewhere out there, unbeknownst to us, while we're out and about minding our own business and going on with our day, a complete stranger looked at us, maybe spoke to us for a few minutes, and thought "WOW!"  His first impression of us was so profound, he immediately had to go home, boot up his computer, get on his internet browser, navigate his way to the Craigslist website, compose a short blurb about this amazing but brief encounter with us, submit it to Craigslist, wait for an authentication email, then publish this "missed connection."

Yes, Craigslist makes you jump through quite a few hoops.  Not that I would know.

Somewhere out there, some dude is professing his love/lust for THE WHOLE WORLD to see, hoping that somewhere out there, miracle of miracles, we will see it, too.

We love missed connections because as much as single girls would like to believe in "destiny" and "true love," deep down, we really DO believe in "destiny" and "true love."  This is akin to our curiosity about the Loch Ness monster.  Just because we haven't seen it, how do we know it's not really there?

We know what happens when some of you meet a "sexy girl in red."  Shrinkage.  Air ball.  Too many brain synapses, not enough motor reflexes.  You choke.  And you regret it!  She could be "the one that got away!" And then you're kicking yourself in what's left of your balls.  Life rarely gives you second chances, but missed connections is a second chance.  A second chance at what, you ask?  A "missed connection" could simply be the dating gods' way of hooking us up with a quick hook up. That's fine, too. 

So what are you waiting for?  The "hot blonde at Starbucks with the green jacket" may be thinking about you, too.  The only thing worse than a "missed connection" is a missed "missed connection."

#25 His (Not So) Secret Talents

Nobody knows exactly what this "x-factor" is that caused girls to scream and faint when they saw Elvis Presley gyrating his hips or throw their panties on stage at Michael Jackson.  I obviously don't get it, as I have never felt compelled to drop dead at the sight of Brad Pitt or sling my unmentionables at Justin Timberlake.  (Regarding the latter, they were a rather expensive pair of undies.  Sexy back, indeed.)

This je ne sais quoi transcends into what some single girls and single guys look for when they're dating.  I know certain girls who only date guys in bands while some dudes I know only date girls who look like supermodels.  Fortunately for them, we live in Los Angeles where struggling musicians and aspiring models are a dime a dozen.

For the rest of us not pursuing rock stars or models or rock stars/models, we know things can be just as thrilling when we're dating medical malpractice lawyers or corporate accoutants.

Or not.

Okay, who am I kidding?  I imagine there are very few things more exciting than dating a rock star.  (I wouldn't know, I've only dated a trumpet player who is obviously NOT a rock star.)  I mean, look at Courtney Love.  She dated and eventually married Kurt Cobain and their life together (and even not together) was anything but a snoozefest.

Single girls like to fantasize about dating rock stars and this is why we like (not so) secret talents. 

What qualifies as a secret talent?  The operative word here is "secret."  It's not so much as classified information if everyone on your Facebook page receives a status update broadcasting your latest victory at a karaoke contest.

An example:

I once dated a guy who started a business in college that eventually folded before he graduated.  The local newspaper wrote a story about this lesson in trial and error.  It essentially served as a huge "job wanted" ad for him, and he was soon hired as one of Bank of America's youngest associates in the private banking arena.

I found this to be quite the accomplishment, but what I really found remarkable about him is the fact that he was a champion go-kart racer as a teenager.  When presented with the opportunity to pursue this skill professionally, he chose to attend college instead.  Seriously?

Another example:

I was over at this other guy's house one night.  His place is immaculate, but not creepy immaculate like American Psycho.  You know how they photograph homes for interior design magazines and there is always that room with a book tossed haphazardly on the couch, but you know they put it there on purpose and it probably took them ten minutes to figure out how to make it look like they DIDN'T put it there on purpose?  Anyway, so this guy had a guitar placed just so on a chair by the window.

Assuming he knew HOW to play the guitar (I mean, what kind of dudes leave a guitar hanging around if they don't know how to play?  Oh right, douchey poseurs.), I asked him what he could play.  He then proceeded to serenade me.  Swoon worthy?  Yes.

A not-so secret talent doesn't neccessarily mean he has to play an instrument or drive go-karts very fast.  It's a skill that he is humble about sharing, but he knows his aptitude is better than the average bear.  He's showing us that he's not just some other beer-drinking, sports-watching, video-game playing dude.  We're catching a glimpse about him that some of his friends might not even know, and this makes us feel trusted and a bit privileged.

Maybe he's not the next Justin Timberlake, but we might still end up tossing our undergarments at him.

#16 Dinner Invitations

So boys, you've read The Game and you've got "negging" down to a science, but you're not-so secretly tired of wearing that stupid bright orange shirt around town to "peacock" your way into a "set"?  What other impressive methods can you employ to eventually get into our panties? 

This may sound simple and completely obvious, but single girls like when guys invite us out to dinner. 

The key word here is "dinner."  A dinner invitation means 1) he is feeding us (single girls are always hungry), 2) he is paying (he did invite us, so we are his guest) and 3) it is a real date and not a pseudo-date. 

Pseudo dates are bullshit.  What is a pseudo date?  Examples:

• Beers and "the big game" at a local sports bar
• "Wine and movie night" at his house at 11pm
• Barbeque hosted by his fraternity brothers
• Cocktails after work but before he has dinner (without us)
• Cocktails after he already had dinner (without us)
• Anywhere his ex-girlfriend could potentially show up
• Anything that involves meeting at his home immediately after a 2am phone call

Nothing frustrates a single girl more in the early stages of a courtship than half-assed attempts at impressing us.  We like real dates because a dude chauffeurs us around town, buys us dinner, and essentially treats us like the fairy princesses we aspired to be when we were five years old.  Inviting us out to dinner is a real date.

You argue that single girls are ALWAYS going on dinner dates and this mating ritual has become antiquated and cliched.  This may be true, but dinner dates allow us to properly assess you without any form of outside interference.  We want him to impress our pants (or skirts or shorts or dresses) off.  Literally. 

How are his manners?  Does he pull out our chair?  Does he stand when we leave the table?  Is he as funny in person as he is in emails and text messages?  Did he compliment our outfit?  Is he bright enough to keep up with our opinions on both American Idol and the election in Afghanistan?

Think of a dinner date like a job interview.  If he wants to nail the "job," then he needs to show us he's well qualified and a strong candidate.  And ask us good follow-up questions.

The other crucial aspect of inviting us out to dinner is how he asks us.  We like conspicuous requests.  You are one step closer to getting laid if he says these magic words: Would you like to have dinner with me?

Seriously, guys.  What is SO hard about saying that?  Why has Would you like to have dinner with me? become an endangered species in your dating vernacular?  Instead, you use verbally retarded and lame ambiguous expressions like: "We should hang out." 

WHAT IS THIS "HANGING OUT"? 

I have seen dinner invitations in different forms.  Although we prefer phone calls, it could be as easy as a three-word text message: You.  Me.  Dinner?  It could be cute: Will you be hungry on Thursday night at 8pm?  It could be a hybrid of conventional and modern: a handwritten note on your personal stationary Fed Ex'd to our doorstep.  (That one was a little extreme but done by a Frenchman.  They always up the ante when it comes to romance, don't they?)

We know it's hard putting yourself out there all the time and risk getting rejected.  We know you have fragile egos.  But if you want us coming anywhere near your balls, you've gotta show us that you actually have some cojones.