#47 Facebook Stalking

We can all agree on the merits of Facebook: it's a wonderful resource to reunite with old friends, see how much weight the cheerleaders from high school have gained, find out what loser the prom queen married, make snarky remarks about the outfit our frenemy wore to an event and keep in touch with our best friend who moved to Singapore.

If Facebook is another manifestation of social voyeurism, then consider it another avenue for stalking.  Unless our stalkee is a celebrity or other public figure, the results we retrieve from Google stalking can be frivolously nominal.  On the other hand, Facebook stalking offers a cache of information on our current crush.

Looking at a Facebook profile not only reveals someone's basic information like current city and hometown, likes and interests, employer and alma mater; you are also privy to this person's status updates, mobile uploads, photo albums, wall posts, friend additions and how many sheep he has collected on his farm.  You not only see WHO likes/comments on his status updates, mobile uploads and wall posts; you can even see THEIR status updates, mobile uploads, wall posts et al.  You can even see what EVENTS they are attending.  It's like a stalker's dream come true!

However, one of the golden rules of being a single girl is: do NOT add the guy(s) you are dating as a friend on Facebook.  Why?  Because ignorance is bliss.

Having unrestricted access to someone's Facebook profile is like opening the Pandora's box of the 21st century.

Do we really need to agonize over that blonde whore commenting on his status update, or the photo of a brunette bitch posing in a tiny bikini with him on a beach somewhere?  Do we really need to obsess over the wall-to-wall thread he has with that OTHER brunette bitch?  So what if they're just meeting for coffee??  RIGHT?! 

Even if we're not friends with someone on Facebook, sometimes we can't help but search for him/her.  Maybe he's a crush.  Or an ex.  Or an ex of a crush.  Or our ex's crush.  We're bored.  It's Tuesday night.  Do we open Pandora's box?

I once Facebook stalked an ex who happens to have three mutual friends with me.  I had limited access to his profile, but his relationship status told me he was currently engaged.  I was then engrossed with staring at a thumbnail-sized photo of his "fiancee" for at least 15 minutes.  I did a mental timeline of how long they could have known each other based on when I had broken up with his voicemail (true story), then threw myself a pity party.  I also considered freezing my ovaries.

Another time, I Facebook stalked a guy I was dating who claimed he had a very hectic work load.  He told me he was too busy to talk to me, but Facebook revealed that he wasn't too busy to turn on his computer, open his internet browser, log onto Facebook, find a picture, crop the picture and ultimately change his profile picture every week.

Why should Facebook be a tool single girls use to flagellate our own emotions and egos?

In a twisted way, Facebook stalking has become a form of self-preservation.  Single girls have had our hearts broken in some shape or form, this is why we're single.  We know guys can be dishonest, we know they can disappoint us.  Maybe knowing certain details about their lives via Facebook will shed some light on their behavior and possible indiscretions.

I dated a guy who had drinks with an ex-girlfriend.  Alone.  She clearly wanted to get back together with him still, and this was a motivating factor for him to keep me in the dark about their rendezvous.  I eventually found out and confronted him about it.  He told me defiantly: "Well, just because I didn't tell you, it doesn't mean I'm lying to you."

Does it?  (This was the same guy I broke up with over voicemail.)

It only takes one bad experience with one bad guy to give us a reason to open Pandora's box.

#21 Business Cards

There are many conduits of exchanging phone numbers with a single girl.  Old school methods include cocktail napkins or the back of a receipt.  Commonly done today, we simply place personal information into each others' cell phones. 

Then there are those guys who prefer to hand a girl his business card.  While one of my male friends think this is rather "douchey," if done correctly, I don't mind when a guy discretely hands me his card in lieu of me reciting my number while hovering over him as he punches it into his Blackberry.

Single girls like business cards because these 3.5" x 2" pieces of cardstock harbor a whole lot of information about dudes. 

First, a card has his full name on it - and you know how much we love learning his last name.  Secondly, it includes his work information, and hopefully his occupation or title.  And this helps us grant him a nickname all that much quicker when we talk about him at Sunday brunch with our girlfriends.

Obviously, his phone number and email address are kinda important, too.

Knowing all this information about him immediately saves us a bit of time in front of our computers Google stalking - time that is preferably spent performing eyebrow maintenance on ourselves or examining our pores in front of the bathroom mirror. 

Single girls like efficiency and a business card helps us decide whether we really want to go out with a guy or not.  Depending on what he does or where he works, his card can either be a friend or foe.

You see, a long time ago, when a man handed anyone (not just a woman he wanted to hook up with) his business card, it actually MEANT something.  A business card said, "Hi!  I'm important!  My company spent resources printing out my name on little pieces of paper for me to give to strangers so they can call me at work!  I am a big deal!"

Single girls like big deals.  We like seeing "CEO" or "President" next to a name.  In this case, when a business card is a measure of your success, it can be your friend.

But then something happened that compromised the integrity of a business card.  Technology happened.  All of a sudden you can make your own business cards!  You can create them FOR FREE on the internet.  You can even go to your local Staples or Office Depot and buy those do-it-yourself kits from Avery that you run through your laser jet printers. 

Single girls HATE make-your-own business cards because it's cheating.  All of a sudden, anyone can be a big deal.  If you are NOT a big deal, don't PRETEND you are a big deal. 

Example: I met a dude who gave me his business card at a Halloween party.  I instantly questioned his legitimacy when he handed it to me after unfolding it from his wallet.  It has a picture of himself on it.  And he's not a realtor.  Oh no.  He is an "Actor/Writer/Producer."  Those of us who live in the City of Angels know that actor slash somethings or writer slash somethings are the worst kind - they aren't very good at one thing so they have to "creatively" compensate by becoming actors slash writers slash busboys.  His contact information included a link to his IMDB profile.  With his personal biography.  That saved me some time on Google. 

Another example: I met a dude who gave me his business card at an uber pretentious hotel bar on Sunset Boulevard.  I instantly questioned his legitimacy when I recognized the address of his "production company" as my old apartment address.  Changing "Apt. #202" to "Suite #202" did not fool me!

Essentially, we not only care about the content of a business card, we also examine its quality.  Whether it is embossed, matte, glossy, subtly off-white, or tastefully thick - or oh my god, is that a watermark? - we know when it comes from a professional printer and not the Epson sitting on the desk of a "home office."  Guys, do yourself a favor and don't cockblock yourself with a homemade business card.

Yes, it's true.  Modern society has caused us single girls to evolve into shallow human beings.  (Some of us should have business cards that read "Potential Future Trophy Wife.")  So if your card has you listed as an "administrative assistant," save it for your next networking event and try to win us over with your charming personality instead.

#11 Google Stalking

Single girls often have a bad reputation for being "crazy."  And to that, I argue: a) I have no idea what you are talking about or where this "crazy" idea even comes from! b) "crazy" is an extremely subjective term, don't you agree? and c) this remark is incredibly insulting to the "sanity challenged" and mentally unstable - and also to single girls. 

To prove my point, I just googled "number of male serial killers versus female serial killers."  It confirmed what is already common knowledge: the serial killing industry is donimated by males.  Serial killers are psychopaths (a fancy medical term doctors use to describe "crazy" people) who suffer from dysfunctional personality disorders.  Hereforth, since more dudes are prone to become psychopaths, it is a misconception that girls are "crazy," especially single girls.  Dudes are pretty crazy, too.

Single girls like being right, and Google is a great resource to us in this regard.

So speaking of Google, you say, we think single girls are crazy for stalking dudes on Google once you learn his last name. 

And to THIS, I have a story:

I went on a couple of dates with a magician about a year ago (no joke, this is a bonafide, honest to goodness true story, people).  I met him at a Halloween party and he introduced himself by his first name (as is common in our culture).  I soon learn of his profession (obviously, he was NOT dressed as a magician) and upon returning home, I googled "[magician's first name] magic."  The first two hits were a couple of MySpace videos, including his last name (jackpot!).  Now that I have discovered his last name, I googled his full name.  The first page of hits contained a number of news articles and criminal court cases of a convicted rapist and pedophile.  Fortunately for me, the magician was NOT said rapist/pedophile, but it is unfortunate for the magician that he shares a name with one.

Back to serial killers for a moment.  After he was caught murdering a number of women, did you know that Ted Bundy broke out of jail in Colorado, got on a flight to Chicago, took a bus to Ann Arbor to watch the Rose Bowl game on television (it was a good game for Ted: his alma mater won), then ended up at Florida State University where he killed and injured several sorority girls in their sleep??  If Google were around in the 1970s, girls would definitely never go on a date with THAT guy.

Aside from protecting us against serial killers and pedophiles, Google is a great way for us to measure a guy's success or notoriety (preferably the former).  We know that his accomplishments are in direct proportion to the number of Google hits he has.  As a result, this may actually help him.

An example: I went on a date with a writer a few years ago.  He was kinda dorky and awkward and at the end of the night, I just wasn't feelin' it.  (Plus it didn't help that I thought he were gay when I first met him.)  I then had the misfortune of googling him AFTER it was all said and done.  You see, if I had KNOWN that he was once president of The Harvard Lampoon (bonus points!), I probably would have given him a second chance.  A dating regret?  Maybe.

What exactly are our motives for Google stalking?  Why do we have this ridiculous curiosity to look him up and see how fast he ran the 400-meter hurdles in high school?  Or the origin of his surname?  Or what real estate properties his company has acquired?  Why are we snooping around for insight when we can easily learn about him on a date?

So much information about him is literally at our fingertips, Nancy Drew would have a field day.  Social networking sites also help A LOT.  Thanks to LinkedIn, we know where he works, have worked, and the names of his colleagues.  Does he like music and have an imeem account?  We know exactly what song he is listening to RIGHT NOW and what's coming up next on his playlist.  Is he an avid Yelper with dozens of reviews of his favorite eateries and watering holes?  Does he really want us knowing where he eats tacos every Tuesday after work?

Am I making you nervous?

If stalking comes from some form of pathological obsession or derangement, then maybe we are crazy.  I mean, I just googled a douchebag I once dated.  He now owns a really successful software company that designs iPhone applications.  AND IT DRIVES ME A LITTLE CRAZY THINKING HOW AN ARROGANT, MISOGYNISTIC EGOMANIAC LIKE HIM CAN BECOME A SELF-MADE MILLIONAIRE.  (Sorry about the outburst.  My therapist warned me not to indulge in masochistic activities such as googling ex-boyfriends.)

Don't even get me STARTED on Facebook stalking.  (I mean, who is this Amanda chick [yes, the one with the huge breasts!] who writes on his wall everyday??  I KNOW he doesn't have a "cousin" or "sister" named Amanda because I checked.  On Google.)

#3 Learning His Last Name

Probably one of the few things you remember from learning Shakespeare in eleventh grade is "What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet!" So what is in a name? (And why are we naming roses?)

Single girls LOVE learning his last name. Whether we meet him at a bar, at a barbecue, at the gym, or at the supermarket, we are SO thrilled when we can discover his last name. To us, it's like winning a prize.

How do we do this, you ask? Sometimes he makes it easy for us when all his old football buddies call him by his last name. (I guess it's some macho guy thing or something.) Sometimes we use our bionic ears to overhear him close out his tab at the bar (single girls like when he keeps an open tab, by the way). Sometimes he just literally hands it to us in the form of a business card when we meet him at a networking event. And other times, we resort to a little creativity. (Like having our cousin at the FBI run his license plate number. Just kidding! Sorta.)

So why is learning his last name so important to us?

First of all, programing "Holden (firefighter from San Francisco)" looks stupid in our phone. (And possibly slutty. Just because single girls aren't having sex with only one person doesn't mean we're slutty.) Plus, I went through a period in my life where every other dude I met was named Brian/Bryan, John/Jonathan/Jon or Michael/Mike. At some point, I couldn't remember which Mike I was trying to avoid, which Brian I had hooked up with or which Jon I had hooked up with and was trying to avoid.

Do you see how confusing it can get for us when single girls don't name our "roses" properly?

Secondly, learning his last name potentially opens up an entire gold mine of information about him, thanks to the magic of the internet. Mostly Google. And social networking sites like Facebook and LinkedIn. (In fact, single girls like Google stalking so much, it's going to be its own post!) Single girls like information. Knowledge is power.

Finally, single girls like learning his last name because we are already imagining ourselves potentially getting married to him. This may sound silly, but dudes don't have to worry about changing their last names. Now, some of us single girls have already made up our minds about keeping our own last names; but for those of us who are unsure, we want to know what our names may sound like after we exchange vows and fill out a thousand forms to legally change our names to his.

Remember "Marcy Darcy" from Married With Children? Or "Corky Sherwood Forest" from Murphy Brown? Or "Julia Guglia" from The Wedding Singer? We want to avoid that.

So what's in a name, Juliet? Well, a lot. I suppose you didn't know any better being only 14 and all. But did you really have to get all emo on us and die so tragically? Tsk, teenagers those days.