#56 World Cup

First, it was March Madness.  Then, it was the NBA Finals.  And just before we single girls thought boys could stop focusing on basketball and start thinking about their own balls again, Americans got swept up with the World Cup.  Bars are opening at 6am so "fans" can watch the games live from South Africa before they head into the office.  Now it seems like the only way a girl can score a date in this town is by throwing herself at a guy in a sports bar between a commercial break and his 8am conference call.

Soccer not being much of an American sport (in fact, they don't even call it "soccer" anywhere else), this single girl actually could care less about a 90-minute ticking, yellow-card wielding, vuvuzuela blowing, penalty kicking game.  But then I started paying attention to what all the vuvu-hoopla was about.

Soccer, futbol, whatever you call it, suddenly I understood this phenomenon of "World Cup fever."  And who wouldn't?  Especially when it looks something like this:

Or this:

Holy chiseled, manscaped bodies, Batman!

Now really, WTF IS GOING ON???  What are they doing?!  Are they just taking their clothes off???  On the FIELD?  Is this LEGAL??  (It better be.)  

Most importantly, how is soccer not a bigger deal in America?

Obviously swimmers, water polo players and beach volleyball players are already partially naked as "skin" is their uniform.  But why are athletes who play baseball, basketball and American football not getting naked on the court or on the field?   In fact, basketball shorts have actually LENGTHENED over the years.  Have Americans made no progress since our Puritanical ancestors dropped anchor?

Sure, I could spout statistics of various players, their positions and the number of goals they have scored.  But all this talk of scoring and positions only allows me to focus on just one hard member - I mean - number.  No really, I meant NUMBER!

The number SIX!  For six-pack, that is:

The awesome thing is, it doesn't matter whether they just scored the winning goal or lost a big match - these guys LOVE getting naked.

Yoann Gourcuff, Cristiano Ronaldo, Fabio Cannavaro, Marco Borriello, Diego Lugano?  See also: dios mio, mon dieu, meu deus, mio dio.

#(4)5 David Wright

For some of you single girls who don't follow major league baseball, let alone sports, you may not have the faintest idea who David Wright is.  And up until a few days ago, you may have assumed he was just another pretty boy athlete who plays for that other team in New York.  You know, the one that's not the Yankees.  (Yes, New York has two baseball teams.)

So who is David Wright? 

He plays third base for the New York Mets.  Since his major league debut in 2004, he has consistently been a solid hitter - his career batting average is 0.308.  (30% may not seem very good at all,  but in baseball, anything above a 0.300 is considered excellent.)  He led the National League in RBIs, ranked in the top 10 over the past several years.  Defensively as a third baseman, he has won the Rawlings Gold Glove Award in 2007 and 2008.  He has also been selected to play for the All-Star team every year since 2006. 

Wright's accomplishments were curtailed in 2009 when he was struck in the head with a 90+ mph fastball.  (Ouch.  But don't worry, he's okay and nothing happened to his gorgeous head.)  Long story short, he is VERY good at what he does.  As if this Mr. Wright couldn't be any more right, he founded a charitable organization in 2005 to increase awareness for multiple sclerosis and raise funds for its research.  Oh, and he's only 27.

It is easy to see how Wright has been overlooked in the non-ESPN universe when players from that other New York team (the Yankees) have tabloid-worthy dating resumes like Derek Jeter's.  ("Girlfriends" include Mariah Carey, Vanessa Minnillo, Victoria's Secret model Adriana Lima, a Miss Universe, Jessica Alba and Jessica BIEL.  Jeter is now engaged to Minka Kelly.)  Lately, that other New York third baseman, Alex Rodriguez (aka A-Rod), was "dating" single-ish girl Madonna and then new-ish single girl Kate Hudson.

An exhaustive Google search for "David Wright girlfriend" reveals a possible girlfriend from 2008.  Certainly Wright's activities off the field have not been TMZ-worthy.

Until now.

You may have heard about his endorsement deal with Vitamin Water and the $20 million he netted from its sale to Coca-Cola.  Okay, maybe not.

But you have seen his latest Vitamin Water commercial co-starring Mike "The Situation" from that MTV reality show Jersey Snore, right?  No?  Well, watch it right here.  Then watch it ten more times.

What about Jeter?  Alex Rod-who?  This commercial gives us enough reason to name David Wright our own MVP.  Maybe we can even convince him to let us past third base.

#41 Mascot Bracketology

With the advent of spring fast approaching, every smart single girl knows that during this time of year, affectionately dubbed "March Madness," the best way to stay on top of our game and maintain a semblance of social relevance is to participate in our office's/buddy's/cute neighbor's pool for the NCAA men's basketball tournament.

After painstakingly filling out those brackets, wondering where in the world Wofford is or who Robert Morris was, some of you watched in sheer amazement this past weekend as powerhouses like Kansas, Villanova and Georgetown fell to much lower-seeded teams.  March madness, indeed!

Most of the country is lamenting over busted brackets, and there's probably that  random single girl currently ranked at the top of your office pool.  Why is it always the person who seemingly knows the least about basketball, let alone sports, the one who wins it all?

Honestly, most single girls don't have the time or choose not to follow college basketball at all.  (Some of us would rather be watching Gossip Girl or working on eyebrow maintenance, especially if our alma mater's team has been underperforming or going through a "rebuilding year."  Ahem, Bruins.)  So while dudes are poring over statistics on athletes and reviewing games from the regular season to select advancing teams in their brackets, single girls take a less educated approach. 

With both Kansas State and Kansas, Ohio State and Ohio, Florida State and  Florida, AND several Texas schools are in the tournament, we may have a difficult time differentiating them apart and remembering what we caught on the SportsCenter ticker when we were trolling for guys at various bars, or who has been consistently ranked in the top 10 by AP and USA Today.

Some girls choose their winning teams by uniform colors, some just purely guess, and then there are those who base their decisions on how well a team's mascot would perform in a Narnian contest against the other team's mascot.  For example, pitting Washington's Huskies against Marquette's Golden Eagles is a simple decision - hypothetically, the husky could easily defeat an eagle in combat.  Despite Washington's low seed (11), they ultimately beat Marquette (6) in the first round.

Other surprising first round games included Georgetown (3) resoundingly falling to Ohio (14).  Georgetown's official "mascot" is a Hoya.  Now when you google "What is a Hoya?" you will discover its origins as a derivation of a Greek and Latin chant.  What happens when the Ohio Bobcats take on the Georgetown Hoyas?  A 97-83 roaring win for the Bobcats over a chant.  Naturally.

Murray State (13) upset Vanderbilt (4), and it is no wonder.  Although Murray State's mascot is perplexingly a "Racer," Vanderbilt students have "Mr. C," a cartoonish representation of their founder, Commodore Cornelius Vanderbilt. 

As we know, it is not truly "the Big Dance" without a Cinderella - or three.  Mascot bracketology would have successfully predicted the outcome of this weekend's biggest losses.

The University of Northern Iowa Panthers (9) routed the UNLV Rebels (questionable mascot, no surprise) to take on THE top-ranked team in the tournament, Kansas' Jayhawks.  Apparently, a "jayhawk" is a mythical cross between a bluejay and a sparrow hawk.  But Panthers are the obvious winner against a bird hybrid, mythical or not.

In New York, the Ivy League was represented by 12th-seed Cornell.  Although Cornell has no official mascot, potentially causing confusion amongst mascot bracketologists, it is known as the "Big Red."  Perhaps it was this divine entity, an unknown primary color, much like the "monster" in Lost,  that defeated Temple's Owls (5) and Wisconsin's Badgers (4), in the first and second rounds respectively.

In the South, we watched as the Richmond Spiders (7) were squashed by St. Mary's Gaels (10), followed by another huge win for the Gaels against bracket-favorite, the Villanova University Wildcats.  Wildcats versus Irish people?  How does that work?  Obviously, St. Mary's unofficial mascot is Jesus, and God's right-hand man always makes a worthy adversary.

Mascots entering the Sweet 16 include various cats and dogs (Panthers, Huskies, a hound dog, Bulldogs, two sets of Wildcats), colors (an Orange [seriously?], Big Red and Blue Blob), Blue Devils, Spartans, Boilermakers, Gaels, Mountaineers, Bears and Buckeyes.

Ultimate match-ups single girls would love to see are the Blue Blob versus Big Red (a battle of the primary colors!) or a Wildcat-Wildcat challenge.  This coming weekend, will the Spartans rule over the Panthers?  Does Otto the Orange stand a chance against Butler's Bulldogs?  Will Smokey the Hound Dog sniff out Brutus Buckeye?

May the better mascot win.

#34 Super Bowl Parties

Much like every other holiday in America, Super Bowl Sunday has lost its meaning.  No longer is it about the spirit of football.  No longer is it about a championship battle on the field between two of the best teams in the NFL. 

Nay, much like Christmas, Easter, Groundhog Day and Valentine's Day, Super Bowl Sunday has been literally commercialized.  What was once a sacred day that revered talent, athleticism and sportmanship has now been preceded by socializing, drinking and watching lingerie models tackle each other.  (Gotta love the Lingerie Bowl.  Or not.)

Frankly, some single girls don't care which team wins, let alone know which teams are PLAYING, because most of us don't even follow the NFL.  After 16 regular-season games and three rounds of playoff games in blissful ignorance, some of us are probably rooting for the team with the cuter quarterback (hands down, Drew Brees despite that weird thing on his cheek) or the better uniform colors.  (Black and gold, or blue and white?  Decisions, decisions...)

Unfortunately, there are still some of us who can't differentiate a touchback from a touchdown, a forward pass from a lateral pass, or a first down from a fourth down.  But single girls still enjoy an epic Super Bowl party for various reasons.

Reason #1: FOOD 
Did you know that next to Thanksgiving, Super Bowl Sunday is the second largest day for calorie consumption amongst Americans (according to the US Department of Agriculture)?  Single girls can't count calories very well when we're in a social setting.  Between the beer swilling, handshaking, smiling, and joking, our mental calorie counters can't capture every tortilla chip we chew, every chicken wing we nibble, or every cookie we inhale. 

Super Bowl Sunday is the "calorie Sabbath."  Thus, we do like the 49ers did in 1990 against the Broncos and rack up those (Weight Watchers) points.

Reason #2: TOM BRADY 
[insert swoon here]  He won three out of four Super Bowls (2002, 2004, 2005) - and not just due to his dreamy good looks!  When he's not showcasing his talents on the field, he uses them off the field to impregnate actresses and bed super models.  He is a single girl MAGNET, and I know some single guys secretly have a man crush on him.  Why not call the Super Bowl what it really was those four years?  The Tom Brady Show.

Reason #3: NIPPLEGATE 
Ever since the year of Janet Jackson's infamous "wardrobe malfunction," we have been secretly hoping for another halftime show scandal.  Single girls love a good scandal!

Unfortunately, subsequent performers including The Rolling Stones, Tom Petty (& The Heartbreakers) and even Prince could not deliver the same "controversial" mayhem that ensues when Americans see a pastie on national television.  It was the boob that launched a billion TiVo rewinds!

Reason #4: COMMERCIALS
Some of us may not have much of an opinion on a play when a yellow flag is thrown on the field, but we do like expressing our opinions on the $3 million commercials that air during the Super Bowl.  Those GoDaddy dot com commercials?  Total fumble.  On the other hand, much like the Dallas Cowboys of the 1990s, Budweiser generally puts on a solid show.

Reason #5: DUDES, Observing
There is something strangely fascinating with watching men watch sports.  With women, guys often confuse being emotional to being "crazy."  Well, how "crazy" do guys get screaming at their favorite sports teams after a bad play, weeping during a championship win, or sobbing after Brian's Song or Rudy?

We know exactly how Jane Goodall felt while observing chimpanzees in Tanzania.

Reason #6: DUDES, Hooking up with
While his favorite team is scoring points on television, we are hoping to score points with him by saying things like "Not another turnover!   They can't afford to do this at the SUPER BOWL!"  Yes, some fans may care who goes home with the Vince Lombardi trophy, but what single girls really care about is who we could potentially go home with.

Seriously.  With all that talk about "covered tight ends," various "positions," "long drives," and "penetration," how are you NOT turned on?

#9 Home Field Advantage

Single girls dislike striking out just as much as we dislike foul balls, or God forbid, breaking balls.  So how do we stay ahead in the count?

Overall, home teams have won about 54% of their games since the advent of the 20th century.  Last year, home teams won 57% of their games, a 3% increase from the year before.  With so many home team wins, is it any wonder that single girls like having home field advantage?

Single girls like playing at home because our "stadium" is generally better than his.  Our facilities bathrooms are usually cleaner, and we enjoy our natural grass and a softer turf 500 thread-count Egyptian cotton bedding rather than his Astroturf mismatched sheet set.  We understand his stadium might have gotten a little worn down with so many different teams playing - it's typical of multi-purpose venues like the Oakland Coliseum.  But we would be more amenable to traveling to his stadium if he does as the New York Mets did and move into a brand spanking new place like Citi Field.

Obviously, an advantage of being the home team (other than choosing our unforms outfits) is that we generally perform better at home.  Maybe we've been comfortable enough to get to first base and have even stolen second base several times earlier in the season.  But when we're playing at home, we really like to get ourselves into scoring position.  We want to round all the bases, get that home run, earn that squeeze play, and maybe even hit for the cycle.  (Hitting for the cycle is rare, though.  It has happened only 288 times since the late 1800s, and I was lucky enough to witness this occur in person two years ago with Mark Ellis.  Yes, that's what she said.)

Being the home team is also advantageous because of our familiarity with the playing grounds.  Single girls like to wake up in the middle of the night and navigate our way to the bathroom in the dark without worrying about tripping over foreign objects.  When we are traveling as the "visiting team," we may not have the luxury of popping out of bed in the morning before he wakes up to brush our teeth, smooth our hair, and fix our eyeliner and mascara before climbing back into bed, pretending that we just naturally wake up like this and not some raccoon-eyed, disheveled bedheaded mess with dragon breath.  (A serious error, right there.)  We think it's rather unfair that boys wake up adorably rumpled.

Not having to travel is quite a luxury, especially when it takes us hours to get home from a visting team.  (It's a nightmare leaving even the parking lot at Dodger Stadium!)  And one thing single girls seriously dislike is the "walk of shame."  We don't know what is more harrowing: walking around willy nilly at 9am trying to avoid his neighbors/roommate in a short cocktail dress and 4" heels with dark circles under our eyes, or trying to sneak out of his place in the middle of the night and figuring out how to unlock his front door without waking him after we went into extra innings.

So how do single girls feel about home field advantage in the postseason?  Well, I guess that depends on who won the All Star game.