#55 MacGyverisms

Singles girls had different motivating factors for watching "MacGyver" as we were growing up.  Perhaps we enjoyed seeing a young Teri Hatcher star as the plucky Penny Parker.  Perhaps (and most likely) we had a crush on Richard Dean Anderson, mullet and all, as the title role.  (He's the only mullet exception we'll allow just as Tom Selleck is our only mustache exception.)

Whatever it was, one thing is for certain: single girls like MacGyver's ingenuity and resourcefulness at using everyday items to get himself out of perilous and, oftentimes, life-threatening situations.

Examples: Oh no!  MacGyver is stuck in a mine and needs to create an explosion with just bubble gum and a paper clip?  No problem!  Yikes!  MacGyver is trapped in a cage over a fiery pit and needs to unlatch the door using a tube sock and dental floss?  Consider it done!

These MacGyverisms left such an impression on us, most single girls don't even realize we have been MacGyver-ing ourselves out of dangerous scenarios for most of our lives.

Dangerous scenario: Ack!  Out and about when the strap to our camisole breaks!
MacGyver solution: A-ha!  A safety pin!  (No safety pin?  A-ha, an earring!)

Dangerous scenario: Horrors!  A giant pimple has erupted on our face and we are out of Clearasil!
MacGyver solution: A-ha!  Toothpaste!

Dangerous scenario: NO!  We wake up and that giant, RED pimple is still on our face!  (And yes, we are STILL out of Clearasil.)
MacGyver solution: A-ha!  Visine drops!

Dangerous scenario: Ugh!  Got into a brawl with our guy's bitchy ex-girlfriend, cut our knuckles open punching her ugly face and we're completely out of rubbing alcohol!
MacGyver solution: Alcohol?  Did someone say alcohol?  A-ha!  Popov vodka (where did THAT come from?) in the freezer!  (Some for me, some for the wounds...)

Dangerous scenario: Zoiks!  We have a giant piece of chicken/spinach stuck in our teeth!
MacGyver solution: A-ha!  That boring dude's business card!

Dangerous scenario: Eeks!  That bra we can only wear with THIS dress is missing!
MacGyver solution: A-ha!  Band-aids!  (Note: only to be applied with the smaller-chested.)

Thanks to MacGyver, us single girls have learned how to make do with the contents of our pockets and our handbags.

Trying to escape from a bad date?  What would MacGyver do with duct tape, tweezers and a bobby pin?

#52 Sporadic Self-Grooming Sessions

One hardship of being a single girl is our commitment to leave the house looking completely polished and resplendent.  After all, according to Murphy's Law, when we look our worst, we will meet the man of our dreams in the pasta aisle at the grocery store, or worse, run into our ex-boyfriend with the girl of his dreams ring shopping at Tiffany and Co.  In order to avoid this dilemma with Murphy's Law, and for the sake of our pride and dignity, we would rather look stunning when confronted with the latter situation than look like ass with the former.  (Yes, we're crazy.)

However, underneath the oversized sunglasses, does anybody really know the last time we had our eyebrows plucked/waxed/threaded?  No!  Does anybody else see what's going on with our toenail polish concealed in those Prada pumps?  No!  Under that three-quarter length blouse, can anyone tell when our underarms have last seen the light of day?  No!  Don't even get us started on what's going on with the hoo-ha area.  (Trust us, you absolutely do NOT want to know.)

As a single girl, we have the privilege of scheduling self-maintenance needs around dates and social engagements.  If we're on a dating sabbatical (hey, dating can be exhausting, sometimes a girl just needs a break), some of us can get away for weeks without being tweezed, waxed or shaved.  And it is GLORIOUS.

Jeans and leggings are preferred in lieu of shorts, skirts and dresses.  Strapless and sleeveless tops are avoided, air conditioned environments are embraced.  We won't let anyone invade our personal space to protect our pores from being closely examined.  And we keep a stiff upper lip about the last time we've handled our upper lip.

Then there comes a miraculous time for a single girl when she surpasses the five-date mark with someone.  Suddenly, we are seeing him more than twice a week.  (One of those nights being a booty call.)  Suddenly, we are consistently using that box of condoms we purchased three months ago on a futile whim.  Yay!  Suddenly, and because we have set a precedent, we are expected to be perfectly polished, hairless and buffed while we're in the buff!  Oh, no!

Due to all the spontaneous sex and weekends spent in bed together, suddenly we find ourselves naked ALL THE TIME.  How are we supposed to shave/wax/pluck EVERYDAY??

How do non-single girls do it?  Do their significant others care or even notice if they skip self-grooming sessions every so often?  Is it true that people in relationships never see each other naked, ergo, making self-maintenance a moot point?

One of my best friends, a former single girl, promptly got herself lasered once she found herself with boyfriend.  Is this what it takes to cross over to relationship status?  Is the answer and solution zapping your hair follicles with laser beams?  If so, it seems hairdly worth it.

#48 Blaming Our Menstrual Cycles

Ever since we met "Auntie Flo," single girls realized the advantages of using our menstrual cycles as a scapegoat for just about anything.

As teenagers in high school, we used our periods as a reason to ditch classes.  It's swimming day in PE class and we don't want the boy of our dreams seeing us in our bathing suit?  "I can't swim, I'm on my period and I'm bleeding really heavily today."  We can't handle another trigonometric equation during calculus?  "I'm on my period and I have REALLY bad cramps.  I think I need to go home and lie down."

Or who could forget that scene in Clueless when Cher explained a day of tardiness because she "was surfing the crimson wave and had to haul ass to the ladies'"?

Nobody questioned the integrity of our monthly cycles, especially not the male teachers.  They were so uncomfortable with our "time of the month," they would practically throw hall passes at us.

Now that we are better acquainted with Aunt Flo, single girls like using our periods to make allowances for:

- Calorie consumption.  Craving chocolate, ice cream, chips or donuts?  We must be on our period.

- Bitchy behavior.  Just snapped at our boss, the mailman and/or the cashier at the grocery store?  We must be on our period.

- Crying or general moodiness.  Just burst into tears over a parking ticket or a sappy AT&T commercial?  We must be on our period.

Then there are the activities and events we try to avoid by using our period as an excuse.  It's just like high school again!

- Child's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese.  "Sorry, heavy flow day!"

- Networking event with bitchy co-worker (who must be on her period).  "Sorry, bad cramps!"

- And most importantly, sex.  "SO sorry, babe, I'm on my period."  (Usually followed by a cringe for a response.)

Because everybody gives us the benefit of the doubt that we are indeed menstruating, blaming things on our menstrual cycles can be prolonged when we place just as much responsibility on PREmenstrual syndrome, or PMS in layman's terms.

Just ate an entire Costco-sized bag of Kettle Chips?  Have a strong desire to karate chop that annoying neighbor?  Tears forming upon the realization that you will never be the first Mrs. Ryan Reynolds?

IT MUST BE PMS!!!

Not a lot of people realize this, but PMS occurs several days to a week before a girl's menstrual cycle.  Then after the whole PMS thing, our actual cycles occur over the span of several days to a week before our NEXT cycle 28 days later.  So it appears that girls spend about 50% - 75% of our time either PMSing or on our periods.  (It's true.)

No wonder we're all "crazy."

In conclusion, single girls like to justify our behavior when we're "on the rag" due to "the rag," but by no means is it acceptable for men to accuse us of being on said rag.  The next time I hear someone tell me, "Wow, you must be on your period," I will make him bleed. 

Or not.  Sorry, I must be PMS-ing.

#40 Faking Enthusiasm Over Engagement Announcements

Upon hearing of a friend's impending nuptials, society deems it appropriate for single girls to squeal ecstatically, marvel at the engagement ring and squeal some more.  And so, when we receive news of an engagement to marry, single girls are obligated to play along with these social norms. 

Truth be told, this performance is done with a heavy heart and some questionable integrity.

But our friend is getting married!  She has found the man of her dreams!  Why the false cheer and forced smiles?  Are we not happy for her?  Why do we feel as if we've just been told our car insurance rates are increasing?

Frankly, we want to be happy for her and we believe we are happy for her, but this news of her engagement really isn't about her. No, quite the contrary.  This is about us.  Leave it to us narcissistic single girls, upon hearing the biggest news of a girlfriend's life, to focus on what's really important: ourselves.

Obviously, there is some jealousy involved.  Our friend has found a guy who will accept her for better or for worse.  This means she can stop counting calories and throw those Spanx away!  Plus, she's sporting a new piece of jewelry on her left hand worth more than some people's vehicles.

While she's prattling on about venues, save-the-dates, flowers and gowns, we're silently resenting the situation - and not just because she can afford the Vera Wang at Saks.

We were curious to see the initial wave of our girlfriends get married immediately in their early 20s to their college sweethearts - we were all barely legal enough to purchase alcohol.  This was followed by a tolerable smattering of espousals here and there.  Eventually, engagement announcements started to spread like the swine flu and we realized that our single friends were slowly being overtaken by married friends. 

When a girlfriend is married off, she becomes a unit with her husband.  I becomes a we.  When making plans with her, it's always "Let me check with the husband, WE may have his boss' dinner that night."  Worse, couples LOVE making plans with other couples.  It starts off with weekend wine tastings in Santa Barbara and turns into playdates with their toddlers.

And so, as the feigned congratulations increased, so did our fear of abandonment. We are ultimately mourning the loss of a friend to an institution that isolates single people.  How is it possible to be genuinely thrilled by this prospect?

#30 Personal Fashion Shows

Single girls hate to admit this, but we are occasionally in possession of this elusive "free time" that people speak about.  For us, "free time" generally encompasses those few hours between Pilates and dinner on Saturdays, brunch and dinner on Sundays, and after yoga class on Tuesdays.

So how do single girls devote our time between social engagements, appointments, and dates? 

Obviously, a lot of this "free time" is spent diligently in the bathroom: taking baths, examining pores, checking for wrinkles, maybe some eyebrow maintenance.  Then there's the TiVo and perhaps a Gossip Girl marathon lusting after Chuck Bass while flipping through the glossy pages of Vogue or Elle.

Then there are those days where we find ourselves with an unexpected span of leisure and absolutely nothing stimulating enough to do/watch/read.  (Brunch plans were cancelled due to a friend's massive hangover, surely an epic drinking tale is in store.)

Now, as you know, one of the best things about being a single girl is not having to share a bedroom with a significant other and being left to our own devices.  (Yes, those devices.)  And one of the best things about having our own bedrooms is having our own closets.

Ah, yes, the CLOSET!  But, OF COURSE.

Just doing a mental inventory of all the shoes, jackets, jeans, blouses, scarves, belts, handbags, coats, slacks, camisoles and shorts in our closets can be a virtual time-suck.  Sure, we can waste an entire month afternoon re-organizing the closet or setting some clothes aside for Goodwill or Salvation Army.  BUT a much better use of time would be spent producing our very own PERSONAL FASHION SHOW!  (Squeal, yes?)

For single girls, "free time" is best occupied in front of a mirror.  A full-length mirror.  And a personal fashion show allows us to do just that.  Cue runway music...

Remember those tops we just bought running errands last weekend?  (Yes, "errands" include the occassional H&M visit.)  Well, we haven't had a chance to try them on again under normal lighting.  (Stupid store dressing rooms.)  Or with jeans or a different skirt.  Or with boots.  Or a belt.  Or those other boots.  Fashion show time!

What about this new pair of 5" pumps we bought two months ago and haven't worn yet because we thought they were inappropriate for work?  Well, how can we make them suitable for work without getting a warning memo from HR (again)?  Maybe with dark opaque tights and a dress?  Or ankle-length slacks?  Or a long pencil skirt?  Fashion show time!

And speaking of making pieces wearable, what do we do about this red envelope clutch that's only twice seen the light of day?  Something Mad Men inspired?  Are red shoes too matchy matchy?  Is red lipstick too matchy matchy matchy? Fashion show time!

Now that we're really going at it, how exactly do we sport this season's must-have item without looking too much of a fashion victim editorial?  Like these black leather over-the-knee boots.  Unfortunately, this is a trend that will probably wear us and not the other way around.  Especially since the only thing that suits these boots are $2500 Balmain mini dresses.  Before we admit defeat and fall into a state of dismay rife with buyer's remorse, a sudden brainstorm!  I bet they look REALLY hot with lingerie and a trenchcoat? Fashion show time!

Pretty soon, we're strutting around the apartment in fake eyelashes, stilettos and our favorite matching underwear set and shimmying to a mash-up of the Kings of Leon and the Four Tops, à la the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.  Our bedrooms have become extensions of our closets - hangers, clothing, handbags and shoes splayed willy nilly.  Before we know it, it's time to get dressed for a date.

Staring into the depths of a disheveled closet, we realize: Shit, I've got nothing to wear.

#20 Elastic Waistbands

While Spanx gives us that illusion of looking like a size two when we are actually a size six, you have probably overheard a single girl complain about the discomforts of wearing such body shaping undergarments for more than three hours.  Especially since we only break out the Spanx for special occasions.  Like when champagne is involved.  And there is nothing that gets a girl bitching and moaning then consuming copious amounts of said champagne and pondering a way to relieve herself while shackled in Spanx.

For that reason, amongst a multitude of others, 21st century single girls would never trade places with our 19th century counterparts.  On a daily basis, we would be expected to whittle our waists down to less than 20" in steel or bone corsets.  While our ribs and internal organs are constantly crushed by such cruel corsetry, our torsos are subject to constant bruising.  We probably wouldn't even last for an hour before being carried away into a Victorian fainting room.

(Just for the record, the only time I'm putting myself in a corset is if it's being immediately removed, if you know what I mean.)

Single girls like - nay, LOVE - our elastic waistband pants, or "fat pants" as we affectionately call them.  Our fat pants are the first things we pull on at home after a long day in 4" heels and high-waisted pencil skirts.  Heck, "a long day" is completely subjective when you're tottering around on your tiptoes in ridiculous shoes and the waistband of your skirt is relentlessly digging into your abdomen. 

One reason why single girls are always hungry is because we can't, don't and won't eat anything when our stomachs are bound in skinny jeans (regardless of the 1% Spandex), strapless dresses, waist-cinching belts, and the like.  A perfect evening involves a night in our fat pants, of course, sitting Indian-style in front of the television catching up on Gossip Girl while stuffing our faces with chips and guacamole. 

For the love of fat pants, single girls can thank Thomas Hancock for the invention of elastic in the early 1800s.  But something unfortunate happened to prevent single girls from wearing our cherished fat pants in public.  The joys and comforts of wearing elastic waistband pants have been compromised.  For alas, elastic waistbands have become synonymous with grandmothers and nursing homes in Florida or overweight midwestern housewives and Walmart.

Three things a single girl never wants to be analogous to are: wrinkles, obesity, and Walmart.  And this negative stigma is the reason why our fat pants (and they are called "fat" pants for a reason) have been banished from the public eye and forced to stay within the confines of our homes and the gym.

Perhaps we can learn to appreciate our fat pants all the more since our time with them has been limited.  Perhaps too much of a good thing is bad for us.  Perhaps there is a blessing in this curse.  After all, did Cinderella meet the man of her dreams in a pair of sweatpants older than her last relationship?

#4 Having Our Own Bathroom

Part of the challenge of being a single girl is that single girls don't like to share. I suppose we aren't wired the same way as our serially monogamous counterparts who have no qualms about sharing. Compromise? No thanks. Compromising just means nobody gets what they really want.

One of the biggest luxuries about being a single girl is having my own bathroom. I don't know how those Brady Bunch kids did it, but I stopped sharing a bathroom with anybody once I graduated from college several years ago (okay, maybe more than just several years ago) and moved into a charming two-bedroom, two-bathroom apartment with one roommate. (Note the 1:1 ratio of bathroom to inhabitant.)

There is a common misconception that girls don't have bowel movements. Contrary to this belief, we do occasionally have to go #2. But because of this ridiculous notion that girls "don't do that," we are irrationally petrified of doing anything resembling a bowel movement except in the privacy of our own bathrooms. (I know some girls who can't even do a #2 in public restrooms. Not even in the super swanky ones like at Neiman Marcus!) This is one of the main reasons why we don't like sleeping over at his house. The first time I ever went on a weekender with a dude, I booked us a suite with two bathrooms.

Not having to share a bathroom is more than just knowing the toilet seat is always down (where it should be). I can honestly say without exaggerating that single girls spend at least three hours a day in the bathroom. We spend at least 12% of our time in the bathroom! I know! This may sound nuts, but we have our reasons. And they're all very good reasons.

What are we doing in there?  I would say maybe 1% of our time is actually spent sitting on the toilet. The remaining time is spent buffing, shaving (in all sorts of nooks and crannies), polishing, moisturizing, soaking, lathering, brushing, moisturizing (under-eye this time), flossing (very important), tweezing, exfoliating, spritzing, waxing, moisturizing (anti-aging cream this time), and of course, examining.

The best part of not sharing a bathroom is unadulterated examination of our bodies. Single girls can spend literally HOURS of time looking at ourselves in the mirror. It's not what you may think. We especially like to stare at our pores, look for grey hairs, watch for potential wrinkles, poke at cellulite, pinch the fat on our sides, examine stretch marks and monitor zits. The bathroom is where we can look at our flaws and figure out what to do about them and how to hide them.

Single girls are consistently judged more so than our non-single peers. The bathroom is where we like to store things without worrying about prying eyes judging us - not for our preference in condoms, not for being on our period (single girls like to leave a box of tampons out during this "time of month"), not for having three different kinds of foot cream (those 4" stilettos are hard on our feet), and not for our poor eyesight (since contact lens providers like printing our prescription on those darn boxes).

Having my own bathroom is glorious. The only bad thing about not having someone yelling at my hair clogging up the drain is that I actually have to unclog my own hair out of the drain. Ick.

#1 Eating Over the Sink

What is it about eating over the sink that single girls like? Chances are, if you are a single girl eating over the sink (or kitchen counter), you just came home from a late night at work STARVING (because we're always hungry), looked in the refrigerator, and popped in last night's Chinese take-out (or frozen Lean Cuisine. Single girls like Lean Cuisines because they're under 300 calories. And single girls like to count calories). While you're waiting for that chow mein to nuke, you've taken off those darn heels you've been wearing over the past eight-plus hours and pulled on your favorite pair of sweat pants. Then you eat over the sink or kitchen counter because your utensils are conveniently stored in the drawer right next to the microwave.

Lazy? Not at all. Efficient? Absolutely. Eating over the sink eliminates the need to pull your "dinner" out from the microwave and place it down on a table-like surface. That is potentially precious seconds wasted from eating - we're starving, remember? Besides, who has time to set the dining table anyway (I don't even own a dining table), let alone light a candle? And isn't there something a little pathetic about setting the table for one? It's like drinking champagne alone.

Single girls have been trained and conditioned to eat over the sink. Remember when mom was stressed out about daddy's job and would eat over the sink when she cleaned up in the kitchen after dinner? (You knew you got your emotional eating habits from somewhere!) Or remember those times in the sorority house late at night when you had to eat over the sink in the kitchen downstairs so your sorority sisters couldn't see you shoveling food down your face because you didn't want them making snarky comments about your weight? (Plus you didn't want to be that girl who threw up in the bathroom every night. "Food poison," indeed.)

We like to eat over the sink when we really need just TWO bites of ice cream, when we're getting ready for work and can only manage to make a bowl of cereal for breakfast and eat it while running back and forth between the kitchen and bathroom with a mascara wand in one hand and a spoon in the other, or when we've just come home from the bar (starving, of course) after figuring out a polite way to turn down that guy our friends set us up with, all the while thinking about that frozen bean burrito from Trader Joe's sitting nestled in the freezer.

Eating over the sink means potential messes are a non-issue (single girls like running water and plumbing). You see, one thing single girls dislike is cleaning.