#58 Fake Cooking

Do you remember that scene in Mrs. Doubtfire where Robin Williams (as Mrs. Doubtfire) attempted to make dinner for the kids before his ex-wife came home but ended up catching his "boobs" on fire?  Rather than salvage the botched meal, he ordered take-out from somewhere fancy, plated it and pretended like he made it himself. (Note to self: candlesticks at the dining table add to the integrity of the meal.)  I didn't know it at that time when I was watching this epic film, but what Mrs. Doubtfire did was purely standard for any single "girl."  (Also, Pierce Brosnan makes a hot stepdad.)

Single girls don't necessarily enjoy cooking and it's NOT because we don't know how to cook.  On the contrary, following a recipe is not exactly rocket science and we do know our teaspoons (tsp) from our tablespoons (tbsp).  It's just very difficult to cook for ONE PERSON without running the risk of overeating extra portions or having to purchase an entire container of nutmeg (when we really just need a pinch) that we would probably never use again.

Also, do you know how TIME CONSUMING cooking is?  I don't know how they do it on Top Chef, but I cannot dice vegetables that fast.  I'm convinced it's not human.  Also, boiling water or waiting for the oven to preheat takes, like, FOREVER.

What single girls do like is take-out.  Chinese, Thai, Lebanese, Mexican, pizza - there are SO many options!  And single girls like options!  Not only that, it's convenient, fast and reliably tasty.  Home cooking?  NOT so reliably tasty.  In fact, the outcome of cooking from scratch is often a surprise for us.  A bad one.  

So what happens when a single girl gets to that point past the mythical third date and we actually offer to cook for someone?  Statistically speaking, girls who prepare a home-cooked meal for guys have a 99% chance of getting laid.  Squeal, no?

There is a slight dilemma.  How does a girl with nary a culinary background (because heating Bagel Bites in a toaster oven does not count) create a meal satisfying enough for a guy to take his pants off in the bedroom and not racing to take his pants off in the bathroom?  And how do we create this meal with the limited time we have when our real priorities include making both ourselves and our living space presentable for our guest? 

Two solutions:

1) Fake cooking à la Mrs. Doubtfire.

Single girls quite familiar with the best delivery services in our neighborhoods can make a quick call (the number is already pre-programmed in our phones, of course), and rendez-vous with the delivery person at our front door.  (One perk of waiting for our meals to show up: we can use that extra time for eyebrow maintenance.)

If the meal is suspiciously TOO authentic to be plated once removed from their take-out containers (ie bouillabaisse from that French bistro), I would suggest heading to the deli section of one of those yuppie markets like Whole Paycheck Foods, Bristol Farms or Gelson's for their selection of pre-made meal options.  Or try places like Little Next Door or Joan's on Third if you live in Los Anjealous.

Another impressive trick is to place the take-out contents in a warming skillet on the actual STOVE before plating it.  Note: any and all evidence of the true origin of the meal should be destroyed, hidden or removed from the premises.  

2) Pseudo-cooking à la Mom.

I grew up on a healthy diet of hormones, additives and preservatives.  Some evenings, Mom would make heavily protein-based dinners that included pork chops, steaks or ribs.  Then there were days when Mom had a "headache," so dinner would consist of a casserole (made from pasta and Campbell's cream of mushroom), Hamburger Helper or Stouffer's chicken pot pie.

This single girl grew up learning the advantages of pseudo-cooking, aka taking "short-cuts" in the kitchen.  So when I offered to make dinner for a boy I've been seeing, I dashed to my local Trader Joe's immediately after work, and grabbed a bag of their frozen mushroom risotto and two chicken breasts.

While the frozen risotto was thawing on my kitchen counter, I took a quick shower. While the chicken was cooking on a skillet, I vacuumed the living room.  By the time the boy showed up, my apartment and I were immaculately clean, buffed and polished with a "home cooked" chicken and mushroom risotto waiting for us on the stove top.  

And yes, I got laid that night.

#54 The Comeback Body

In those rare cases where a single girl does find herself in something that resembles a "relationship," there are times when we let ourselves slip with the calorie counting.  We may forget that sex isn't an adequate workout and that lingerie shopping does not really count as a cardio session.

Especially during the early stages of a "relationship" (aka the "honeymoon phase"), we are almost convinced that maybe our serial monogamist friends are indeed on to something.  Lazy Sunday mornings are best spent with sex marathons in bed, where we only bother to come up for air to answer the door for Chinese take-out or make, of all things calorically terrible, grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup.  Of course, these are consumed IN bed before continuing to tackle another sex position recommended by Cosmo.

When we're not rolling like thunder under the covers (as Elton John would say), we suddenly understand why our non-single friends are a bit lackadaisical about scheduling sessions at the gym.  This time has been relegated to removing unwanted body hair and soaking ourselves in moisturizing bath salts.

Of course, as common with single girls, something happens to the "relationship." Maybe we reached an expiration date, maybe he cheated on us, maybe we cheated on him, maybe he cheated on us while we were cheating on him - whatever it is, one thing we take away from this experience is a few extra pounds of relationship weight.  Egads.

After a bad break-up, some girls are so upset, they can't eat.  (Bitches.)  Then there are the girls, such as myself, who are "emotional eaters" and drown our sorrow/anger/resentment in cupcakes.  And donuts.  And chocolate chip cookies. But there comes a day when we reach the bottom of that Ben and Jerry's container and realize, "Holy sh*t, did I really just consume a whole day's worth of calories within 20 minutes?"

We eventually return to our normal single girl routines - finding our center during yoga classes and punching out some of that aggression at our kickboxing studio (maybe he cheated on us with multiple skanks), then returning home with a smoothie or eating a bowl of cereal for dinner over the sink.  Before we know it, and much to our relief, those offensive pounds have given way to the comeback body.

The comeback body is absolutely crucial for a single girl after a break-up, traumatic or not.  Looking absolutely svelte and amazing makes it easier to attract new (and better) suitors.  In addition, the comeback body may also include the comeback hair, comeback wardrobe and/or comeback boobs.  Whatever it is, our comeback look can be the ultimate "f*ck you" and/or our inner 12-year old's way of saying "nyah nyah" to our former beau.

It is statistically impossible for us NOT to run into ex-boyfriends - especially if we were introduced through mutual friends, if he was a geographical desirable or if we stupidly added each other as friends on Facebook.  Ergo, flaunting our comeback body in his face(book) is like having the last word.

And you know how much single girls like having the last word.

#50 The Irrelevance of "Relationship Weight"

Single girls have all seen this happen: a "single" girlfriend (generally of the serial monogamist variety) meets a dude (probably on match dot com), starts dating him (exclusively), disappears from our lives (predictably), then reappears (undoubtedly with the boyfriend) ten pounds heavier.  (Or 20 pounds, collectively with the boyfriend.)

Gaining weight is no mystery to single girls, hence the calorie counting, so we devote some time at the gym to maintain a figure that would mobilize certain (preferably single) dudes to ask us out.  Think about it: if a guy had to choose between you or a ten-pound heavier version of you, which would he choose.  (This isn't rocket science, kids.)

This concept of "relationship weight" (and we're not talking about just a couple of pounds here) is so foreign to single girls, we cannot begin to comprehend how our non-single friends can gain so much weight that they admit to purchasing new slacks a whole size (or two) up.  Not fitting into Italian sample sizes already gives me grief, imagine rehauling my whole wardrobe?  Mio Dio!

So how or why do couples get fat together?  A single girl's hypotheses:

- Relationship people do not have sex. 
Ironic, if you think about it.  You would think couples actually, well, "couple."  A friend once told me of a couple he knew who only had sex once a week: Saturdays at 4pm.  If relationship people don't have sex, maybe have little to no desire to look good naked like us narcissistic single people.

 Non-single girls are comfortable eating in front of their boyfriends.
Now that she's in a secure relationship, a non-single girl doesn't have to worry about eating too much on a date for risk of looking poochy/having food baby and not getting laid (she won't anyway) like us single girls.

- Relationship people spend too much time at home.
Why do we never see our non-single girlfriend?  She's spending all her time nesting with the boyfriend at home.  Couples like cooking for each other and overeating together.  And since they're at home, this means they're probably wearing sweatpants all the time so they REALLY have no idea how much their waists are expanding.

- If they're not at home, relationship people have twice as many social engagements to attend.
Since there's two of them, a couple generally gets invited to twice as many birthday dinners (food), barbecues (food), weddings (food), Thanksgivings (FOOD), and other celebrations/holidays (more food).  Double the social calendar, double the calories.

Whether these hypotheses are true or not (I mean, what do I know?  I'm Single Girl 1.0), gaining weight is so repulsive to single girls, the idea of putting on "relationship weight" gives us enough motivation to remain single.

#38 Awards Shows

This past Sunday, single girls around the world set up camp in front of our television sets in anticipation for the celebrity-saturated night that is the Academy Awards.  And much like other single girls, I was personally invited to an "Oscar viewing party" at a girlfriend's house.  Suggested dress code?  Fat pants.  (I, of course, arrived in leggings.)

The Academy Awards have often been considered "the Superbowl for women."  If such is the case, the "post-season" also includes the Grammy Awards, Golden Globe Awards, Screen Actors Guild Awards and Independent Spirit Awards.

Much like the Superbowl, a viewing party starts hours before the main event.  Our "pre-game" show is the red carpet show.  While dudes sit on the couch with tortilla chips and a big bowl of queso listening to commentators discuss football statistics, we're sitting on the couch with tortilla chips and a big bowl of queso (and goat cheese and crackers and fondue and bread and mushroom turnovers and brownies) listening to commentators discuss couture gowns.

Do we really care who wins the trophy?  Yes, of course.  Why else do we print up faux Oscar ballots and play eenie-meenie-minie-moe choosing what we think is Best Documentary Short?  This Sunday night, especially, we all cheered as Kathryn Bigelow won Best Director over her ex-husband, James Cameron. 

Otherwise, we mostly care about who wins on the red carpet.

This year, we joined Jay from America's Next Top Model and please-eat-a-hamburger, boobalicious Giuliana Rancic on E! as they used a telestrator (just like in the Superbowl!  I half expected John Madden to bust into the frame, no really) to literally point at various aspects of an actress' gown.  There is no shortage of commentary for a truly bizarre ensemble.  Remember Bjork's swan dress (with matching egg purse!) from 2001?  We're STILL talking about it!

Now, if we had to recognize one distinguishing asset of being a single girl, it's our ability to criticize to no end.  And we especially like to disparage women who are younger, thinner, prettier, wealthier and more successful than we.  (Predominantly, supermodels and actresses.) 

Who is wearing Spanx?  How many Botox injections has Demi Moore had at this point?  Why didn't George Clooney get his hair cut?  Who is that awful creature with him?  And what is she wearing?  (This spawned a whole flood of snarky condemnations.)  Charlize Theron, REALLY?  Miley Cyrus, is your dress too tight for you to stand up straight?  And Vera Farmiga, you look like one big tranny mess.

Does criticism burn more calories than compliments?  We certainly hope so after that cheese and carb binge.

#22 Thanksgiving

Aside from Halloween, Thanksgiving might be a single girl's favorite holiday.

For Thanksgiving is an American holiday and if there is one thing that Americans know how to do right, it is EAT. Thanksgiving is a completely gluttonous holiday with food consumption as its ONLY priority (no presents, no religious obligations, JUST eating) so single girls may starve ourselves 364 days out of the year in order to binge on this special day.

Because we're eating (a lot, and in public, to boot), we say "no thanks" to Spanx. Single girls thanked our lucky stars when empire waist and tent dresses came back in style. And how can we forget Lindsay Lohan for her one contribution to society? Indeed, the second coming of leggings. After all, the glorious thing about leggings, besides pairing so well with tunics, is their elastic waistbands.

Now that our food belly can be safely concealed under something equally chic and unrestraining, Thanksgiving is the one day a year single girls will ignore our internal calorie counters. Instead, we think about Thanksgiving's health benefits: turkey is a lean meat and good source of protein, cranberry sauce is an excellent source of antioxidants, one slice of pumpkin pie contains more than 100% of your daily value of vitamin A, and it now appears that mashed potatoes potentially lower blood-pressure. Seconds? Yes, PLEASE!

While we're happily gorging on our Thanksgiving feasts, we might even humor our relatives with pithy responses to their relentless badgering of our (lack of) romantic pursuits.  To Aunt Betty who thinks we can't "find a man" because we wear "too much make-up," we might tell her that after our last boyfriend dumped us, we are seriously considering devoting ourselves to Jesus and becoming a nun.  To Uncle Tom who thinks we can't "land a husband" because we don't wear enough make-up, we might tell him that our "boyfriend" is up in outerspace on a special NASA mission.  Indefinitely.

On the other hand, Thanksgiving can be quite the bittersweet holiday.  Once Black Friday rolls around, it will be a rough three months braving the triumverate of holidays that single girls loathe - Christmas (mistletoe envy), New Year's Eve (midnight kiss anxiety), and the dreaded Valentine's Day (aka Single Awareness Day).  Not until St. Patrick's Day (a single girl's favorite drinking holiday), can we go about our merry (and unmarried) single way.
 
So single girls, between mouthfuls of your first slice of pie, think about the one thing we are most thankful for (aside from elastic waistbands) - our autonomy. 
 
Happy Thanksgiving!

#8 Counting Calories

I know what you're thinking. But Single Girl 1.0, everybody counts calories. Yes, I realize that fat girls count calories, and skinny girls especially count calories. But I do believe that single girls are way more diligent with counting calories than non-single girls. I mean, let's face it, couples who eat together stay together. How often have we seen a non-single counterpart let herself go once she was in a satisfied and secure relationship? Exactly. Don't even get me started on those pregnant girls.

I've seen those silly applications for iPhones that keep track of calories for you. Whatever. Single girls have been mentally counting calories since we gained the freshman 15 in college. Despite the fact that I only studied up to linear algebra my sophomore year, I have calorie counting down to a science. My internal calorie counter functions like the quadratic equation (take THAT, b-squared minus 4ac).

Who knows how single girls acquire this skill. I wish I could say it were an innate quality. For me, I was brainwashed I learned what my daily caloric intake should be and how to calculate such daily caloric intake in a nutrition class taught at the local community college. (This single girl is a smart cookie and finished all her general education courses during summer school.) It was also there that I aquired the uncanny ability to discern how many calories are in what.  (One average strawberry = 2.7 calories, one slice of cheese = 88 calories, one walnut = 26 calories.)

When non-single girls gain weight, they think Uh oh, gotta lay off those margaritas. After all, everybody knows there are 450 calories in each of those bad boys - margaritas are usually the first things to go when non-single girls start "dieting." (I stopped drinking them after I realized that the calorie content from one margarita is 27% of my daily recommended caloric intake. Words of advice: tequila shot = 100 calories.)

Single girls don't gain weight and we don't "diet" - because we are counting calories ALL THE FRIGGIN' TIME.  Some people count sheep before bed, we count calories.  We know that calorie counting is not just beneficial to our bodies, it also sharpens our math skills (ie. adding calories, multiplying servings, subtracting burned calories), memory retention (ie. what have I eaten already, what is my current calorie count, how many calories have I already burned) AND foresight (ie. what should I avoid eating, how many calories will I burn walking around the mall for an hour).

An example. Let's say I am allowing myself to eat ordering lunch today.  For the sake of simplicity, I am having my favorite meal at Chick-fil-A: a Chick-fil-A chicken sandwich (on a golden wheat bun, no pickle) with honey roasted BBQ sauce (one packet), waffle fries (size small) with three ketchup packets, and a Diet Coke (size small).  Already in my head, I am thinking 430 + 60 + (280/2 [I am sharing the waffle fries with a friend]) + (3*10) + 0 (yay, Diet Coke) = 660.  And because I ran six miles this morning (100 calories burned per mile = 100*6 = 600 calories burned) AND skipped breakfast (zero calories consumed), I have really only consumed 660 - 600 = 60 calories for the day.

Hallelujah!  I believe I have enough calories left over to consume several cocktails tonight!  (One vodka soda = 90 calories)

#1 Eating Over the Sink

What is it about eating over the sink that single girls like? Chances are, if you are a single girl eating over the sink (or kitchen counter), you just came home from a late night at work STARVING (because we're always hungry), looked in the refrigerator, and popped in last night's Chinese take-out (or frozen Lean Cuisine. Single girls like Lean Cuisines because they're under 300 calories. And single girls like to count calories). While you're waiting for that chow mein to nuke, you've taken off those darn heels you've been wearing over the past eight-plus hours and pulled on your favorite pair of sweat pants. Then you eat over the sink or kitchen counter because your utensils are conveniently stored in the drawer right next to the microwave.

Lazy? Not at all. Efficient? Absolutely. Eating over the sink eliminates the need to pull your "dinner" out from the microwave and place it down on a table-like surface. That is potentially precious seconds wasted from eating - we're starving, remember? Besides, who has time to set the dining table anyway (I don't even own a dining table), let alone light a candle? And isn't there something a little pathetic about setting the table for one? It's like drinking champagne alone.

Single girls have been trained and conditioned to eat over the sink. Remember when mom was stressed out about daddy's job and would eat over the sink when she cleaned up in the kitchen after dinner? (You knew you got your emotional eating habits from somewhere!) Or remember those times in the sorority house late at night when you had to eat over the sink in the kitchen downstairs so your sorority sisters couldn't see you shoveling food down your face because you didn't want them making snarky comments about your weight? (Plus you didn't want to be that girl who threw up in the bathroom every night. "Food poison," indeed.)

We like to eat over the sink when we really need just TWO bites of ice cream, when we're getting ready for work and can only manage to make a bowl of cereal for breakfast and eat it while running back and forth between the kitchen and bathroom with a mascara wand in one hand and a spoon in the other, or when we've just come home from the bar (starving, of course) after figuring out a polite way to turn down that guy our friends set us up with, all the while thinking about that frozen bean burrito from Trader Joe's sitting nestled in the freezer.

Eating over the sink means potential messes are a non-issue (single girls like running water and plumbing). You see, one thing single girls dislike is cleaning.