#52 Sporadic Self-Grooming Sessions

One hardship of being a single girl is our commitment to leave the house looking completely polished and resplendent.  After all, according to Murphy's Law, when we look our worst, we will meet the man of our dreams in the pasta aisle at the grocery store, or worse, run into our ex-boyfriend with the girl of his dreams ring shopping at Tiffany and Co.  In order to avoid this dilemma with Murphy's Law, and for the sake of our pride and dignity, we would rather look stunning when confronted with the latter situation than look like ass with the former.  (Yes, we're crazy.)

However, underneath the oversized sunglasses, does anybody really know the last time we had our eyebrows plucked/waxed/threaded?  No!  Does anybody else see what's going on with our toenail polish concealed in those Prada pumps?  No!  Under that three-quarter length blouse, can anyone tell when our underarms have last seen the light of day?  No!  Don't even get us started on what's going on with the hoo-ha area.  (Trust us, you absolutely do NOT want to know.)

As a single girl, we have the privilege of scheduling self-maintenance needs around dates and social engagements.  If we're on a dating sabbatical (hey, dating can be exhausting, sometimes a girl just needs a break), some of us can get away for weeks without being tweezed, waxed or shaved.  And it is GLORIOUS.

Jeans and leggings are preferred in lieu of shorts, skirts and dresses.  Strapless and sleeveless tops are avoided, air conditioned environments are embraced.  We won't let anyone invade our personal space to protect our pores from being closely examined.  And we keep a stiff upper lip about the last time we've handled our upper lip.

Then there comes a miraculous time for a single girl when she surpasses the five-date mark with someone.  Suddenly, we are seeing him more than twice a week.  (One of those nights being a booty call.)  Suddenly, we are consistently using that box of condoms we purchased three months ago on a futile whim.  Yay!  Suddenly, and because we have set a precedent, we are expected to be perfectly polished, hairless and buffed while we're in the buff!  Oh, no!

Due to all the spontaneous sex and weekends spent in bed together, suddenly we find ourselves naked ALL THE TIME.  How are we supposed to shave/wax/pluck EVERYDAY??

How do non-single girls do it?  Do their significant others care or even notice if they skip self-grooming sessions every so often?  Is it true that people in relationships never see each other naked, ergo, making self-maintenance a moot point?

One of my best friends, a former single girl, promptly got herself lasered once she found herself with boyfriend.  Is this what it takes to cross over to relationship status?  Is the answer and solution zapping your hair follicles with laser beams?  If so, it seems hairdly worth it.

#51 The Phase Out

Maybe we've only been seeing someone for two weeks, or maybe it's already been two months with multiple sleepovers.  But there comes a day during a dating life cycle when we are more excited at the prospect of doing laundry than we are about an impending date.  What do we do when we realize that we're just not that into him?  Easy.  We initiate the phase out.

Let's say we're on our way home from work and we call the guy we're seeing. We tell him a funny anecdote that he doesn't laugh at.  Instead, he responds with "Can I call you back later?" He calls us back MUCH later - like, two days later. And by the tone in his voice we can tell that he's just not that into us.  Anymore. Gulp. Is he beginning a phase out?

How does the phase out operate?

Those once flirty text messages no longer occur.  In fact, the winky emoticons from him are now obnoxious.  What used to be cute well-thought answers have become terse or vague, one-word replies.  Sometimes you don't even bother to respond.  Phone calls are now infrequent.  You never schedule time for each other on the weekends anymore, and dates have been relegated to weeknights - usually Mondays or Tuesdays.  Yikes.  Eventually, you just stop seeing or hearing from each other all together.  At this point, the phase out is complete.

Truthfully, the phase out may not be the most efficient method to end things with someone.  It could be a long, drawn-out and anticlimactic process, much like the Battle of Alamo.  Regardless of who sets up the phase out or whether it is a mutual procedure, one thing is for certain: single girls sure as hell prefer this to, ugh, The Talk. 

Let's face it, NOBODY likes The Talk - it's awkward and patronizing.  A complete lose-lose situation, The Talk only makes both parties feel completely shitty.  And since you haven't even made it close to boyfriend/girlfriend status yet, is it even necessary? 

Single girls like to dodge The Talk at all costs because we're people-pleasers.  We hate confrontation.  It's why single girls have never been president and why we get paid less than boys.  Rather than be assholes and dump a guy with an emotionally-gripping quasi-break up speech, we much prefer the quiet yet effective ninja moves of the phase out. 

In turn, guys can avoid being jerks/assholes and spare us the humiliation of another cliche'd "it's not you, it's me" monologue.  Stop returning our text messages or phone calls.  Don't invite us over for a movie and sex wine.  We've read AND seen (unfortunately) He's Just Not That Into You.  We get it.  Now gradually phase us out so we can start phasing someone else in.  (If we haven't already.)

#50 The Irrelevance of "Relationship Weight"

Single girls have all seen this happen: a "single" girlfriend (generally of the serial monogamist variety) meets a dude (probably on match dot com), starts dating him (exclusively), disappears from our lives (predictably), then reappears (undoubtedly with the boyfriend) ten pounds heavier.  (Or 20 pounds, collectively with the boyfriend.)

Gaining weight is no mystery to single girls, hence the calorie counting, so we devote some time at the gym to maintain a figure that would mobilize certain (preferably single) dudes to ask us out.  Think about it: if a guy had to choose between you or a ten-pound heavier version of you, which would he choose.  (This isn't rocket science, kids.)

This concept of "relationship weight" (and we're not talking about just a couple of pounds here) is so foreign to single girls, we cannot begin to comprehend how our non-single friends can gain so much weight that they admit to purchasing new slacks a whole size (or two) up.  Not fitting into Italian sample sizes already gives me grief, imagine rehauling my whole wardrobe?  Mio Dio!

So how or why do couples get fat together?  A single girl's hypotheses:

- Relationship people do not have sex. 
Ironic, if you think about it.  You would think couples actually, well, "couple."  A friend once told me of a couple he knew who only had sex once a week: Saturdays at 4pm.  If relationship people don't have sex, maybe have little to no desire to look good naked like us narcissistic single people.

 Non-single girls are comfortable eating in front of their boyfriends.
Now that she's in a secure relationship, a non-single girl doesn't have to worry about eating too much on a date for risk of looking poochy/having food baby and not getting laid (she won't anyway) like us single girls.

- Relationship people spend too much time at home.
Why do we never see our non-single girlfriend?  She's spending all her time nesting with the boyfriend at home.  Couples like cooking for each other and overeating together.  And since they're at home, this means they're probably wearing sweatpants all the time so they REALLY have no idea how much their waists are expanding.

- If they're not at home, relationship people have twice as many social engagements to attend.
Since there's two of them, a couple generally gets invited to twice as many birthday dinners (food), barbecues (food), weddings (food), Thanksgivings (FOOD), and other celebrations/holidays (more food).  Double the social calendar, double the calories.

Whether these hypotheses are true or not (I mean, what do I know?  I'm Single Girl 1.0), gaining weight is so repulsive to single girls, the idea of putting on "relationship weight" gives us enough motivation to remain single.